The Paradox of Strength: The Woman in the Pink Suit

A personal reflection on what I have learned as a therapist about narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, financial abuse, and why capable women sometimes stay in an abusive relationship.

I was very young and new to this country when I volunteered to organize the pantry for a women's shelter for domestic violence at a church. I didn't really see many abused women around, except for those who came to get some supplies from the pantry, often with a child on her hip and a forlorn and tired look.

One day, there was a tall woman, perhaps close to six feet, wearing a well-dressed pink suit and pencil heels, almost like something out of Legally Blonde. I was mesmerized by her appearance. The lady who worked at the organization told me that she was a lawyer.

I was even more impressed, and I felt connected to her generous heart and her willingness to give back to these women who are facing abuse.

But within an hour after she left the building in a calm demeanor, my image of her was shattered. I came to know that she was the one who was seeking help.

That contrast stayed with me. I could not understand how the woman I had just seen could be the one seeking help at a women's shelter.

For close to four decades, that woman has remained somewhere in my mind, like a persistent friend I can't quite put boundaries around. Her image and my thoughts about her will pop up on random days.

Who was she? What had happened to her? How did a woman who looked so confident and accomplished end up in a battered women's shelter?

Decades later, I not only understand that woman differently, but I now work with many women who remind me of her.

As a therapist, and through the training and courses I have taken in this area, I have come to understand more about narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, gaslighting, and the many ways a woman can become trapped in a relationship that is slowly taking away her sense of herself.

There are so many reasons women stay that I could never cover all of them in one article. Here, I am reflecting on a few of the things I have seen in my work and learned through my training that have helped me understand why capable women can remain in relationships that are hurting them.

And these may sound like simple words when we see them on a screen: financial abuse, physical abuse, infidelity, gaslighting, passive aggression.

But behind each of these words is a woman who has lived it. There are scars, trauma, and damage that can remain long after the moment itself has passed. There can be damage to her confidence, her ability to trust her own judgment, and sometimes even her ability to imagine a life outside of the relationship.

That is the part we don't see when we simply ask, "Why doesn't she leave?"

Financial Abuse: When Money Becomes a Trap

One of the strongest reasons I have seen women remain in these relationships is finances. In relationships where there are narcissistic or controlling patterns, money can become a powerful tool of control.

A woman may not have access to financial information or accounts. She may not know the full picture of the family's finances. She may have put her career on hold for the family or moved for her husband's career. She may be made to feel that she could never manage on her own.

What makes financial abuse so powerful is that it doesn't just control money. It can control her choices.

With a partner who has covert narcissistic traits, financial abuse may not look like having no access to money at all. She may have credit cards, joint accounts, and what appears from the outside to be access to the family's finances. Yet years of subtle manipulation and control can create a financial trap that is not obvious to anyone else, including the woman herself. By the time she recognizes how financially entangled and constrained she has become, getting out of the marriage may feel nearly impossible.

Physical Abuse: When Asking for Accountability Becomes Dangerous

Physical abuse does not always come out of nowhere. Sometimes it happens when a woman asks a question she has every right to ask: Where were you last night? Why did you come home so late? Or when she asks her partner to take responsibility for something he has done.

The question becomes an accusation in his eyes, the conversation escalates, and suddenly she is dealing with intimidation or physical violence, with her safety and sometimes her children's safety compromised.

Later, he may minimize what happened: "It's not like I get drunk and beat you every day."

But the issue is not how often it happens. Threatening behavior, intimidation, or physical violence, even if it happens once or just a handful of times, can change the way a woman moves through her own life. She becomes anxious and hypervigilant, constantly watching for the next shift in mood, the next argument, or the next threat. And then that anxiety can itself become something she is blamed for.

A partner with narcissistic or controlling traits can drive a woman into a state of hypervigilance and anxiety. Many of the women who come to see me are already at this stage. They are exhausted from constantly monitoring their environment and trying to anticipate what might happen next.

Infidelity: When Betrayal Becomes Her Fault

Infidelity is painful on its own. But in a relationship where there is manipulation and blame shifting, the betrayal can become another way for a woman to question herself.

She discovers an office affair or an online affair. She asks questions because she wants to understand what happened. Instead of taking responsibility, the conversation can be turned around.

"How can you not trust me after everything I have done for you?"

Suddenly, she is defending herself.

The betrayal has somehow become evidence of her shortcomings.

This is one of the patterns I have come to recognize in my work. A woman can be deeply hurt by her partner's behavior and still walk away from the conversation wondering whether she somehow caused it.

She didn't.

Another person's decision to betray a partner is not the partner's fault. But when blame shifting happens repeatedly, it can become very difficult for a woman to hold onto that truth.

Gaslighting: When She Stops Trusting Her Own Reality

Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which a person is made to question their own memory, perception, judgment, or understanding of what happened.

A woman may bring up something that hurt her, and instead of addressing it, the conversation is turned around. She is told she misunderstood. She is told she is too emotional. She is reminded of something she did months or years ago. She is told that her behavior caused his reaction.

Over time, she may stop trusting herself.

This can be particularly devastating because the woman may have spent her entire life trusting her own judgment. She may be a lawyer, a physician, a teacher, a business owner, a mother, or someone who has successfully managed the demands of everyday life. Yet inside this relationship, she begins wondering, Am I imagining this? Am I remembering it wrong? Am I making too much of this?

And when a woman no longer trusts her own reality, it becomes much harder to know what to do next.

Passive Aggression: The Slow Erosion of Self-Worth

Not all emotional abuse is loud. Sometimes it is in the comments that can be easily dismissed by everyone else.

It can show up in the little things that are easy to dismiss. The way he talks to her when she has an opinion. The way he corrects her or makes her feel foolish for not knowing something. The little jokes at her expense that everyone else laughs at. The way he makes her feel like she is overreacting or simply not as smart as she thinks she is.

Sometimes it is also the contradiction between what happens privately and what everyone else sees.

He may be charming in front of other people. When guests come to the house, he may play the role of the generous and ideal husband. He may be funny, engaging, warm and very welcoming. Everyone leaves thinking she is lucky to have him.

And she may believe it too.

She wants to believe that the charming man everyone else sees is the real version of him, and that the person she experiences privately is something she can somehow change or fix.

That contrast can make a woman question herself even more. If everyone else sees a wonderful man, perhaps she begins to wonder whether the problem really is her.

Over time, this contrasting behaviors, the small comments, dismissive behavior, and subtle put-downs can slowly chip away at her sense of herself. She may begin to believe that she is not smart enough, capable enough, or worthy enough. There may be no single moment that someone else can point to and say, There. That's the abuse.

It can be the accumulation of thousands of small moments that gradually change how a woman sees herself.

The Paradox of Strength

This is where I return to the question that stayed with me for so many years.

Why would a woman who is capable, educated, successful, and intelligent stay in an abusive relationship?

We often assume that if a woman is smart enough, strong enough, or independent enough, she will recognize abuse and simply leave.

But being capable does not make a woman immune to manipulation. Being intelligent does not make her immune to gaslighting. Being successful does not make her immune to financial abuse. And being strong does not mean she cannot slowly lose confidence in herself.

Sometimes the very qualities that make a woman capable can keep her trying longer. She is used to solving problems. She takes responsibility. She is compassionate. She believes in people. She doesn't give up easily.

So she keeps trying to fix the relationship until she realizes that she has been trying to fix something she did not break.

I Understand the Woman in the Pink Suit Differently Now

I have no idea who that woman was or where she is now. I don't know what happened to her before she walked into that shelter or what happened after she left.

But I think about her differently now.

When I was young, I saw a woman who didn't fit my idea of what an abusive woman should look like.

Today, I realize that was the lesson.

There is no particular look for a woman experiencing abuse.

She can walk into a shelter with a child on her hip and exhaustion on her face. Or she can walk in wearing a designer pink suit and pencil heels.

Decades later, I not only understand her differently, I have the privilege of sitting with women like her, helping them reclaim a part of themselves, gain clarity, and find a path toward a life that feels right for them, where they can heal and thrive.